I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize