i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
