I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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