Don't make out with my wife yet
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
