he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I wear drunk well.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
