If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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