I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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