It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
