You smell like a Billy Joel song
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
