Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
