I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
