Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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