She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
i would punch a child for taco bell
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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