I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
