genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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