I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
