Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
