i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
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