Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize