and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
