Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
