I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
