I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize