I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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