Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
