she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I have already put on my inside pants.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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