Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I'm passing your future prison.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
