I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
