What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
