I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Randomize
