Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
