My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
