I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
