You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
