I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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