Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
