Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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