I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize