I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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