I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
