I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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