I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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