I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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