i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
