he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Randomize
