everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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