my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
My feet surprised me
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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