@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
