i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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