Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
