I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Everclear isn't food dammit
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
