I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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