I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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