My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
