Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
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