the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
