I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
