im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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