I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
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