We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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