you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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