why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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