I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Randomize
