So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize