I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
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