it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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