Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
