If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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