I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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