My friends, they love my intelligence
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
